maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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