he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
