First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
