Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
