what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
