the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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