we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
So. Much. Porn.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
