miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
