You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dick very happy bro
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
