Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We are two peas in an std pod
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
