It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
