Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
