The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
