I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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