I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
