If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
