I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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