I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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