She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
