It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
