Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
