Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
