I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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