Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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