i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
