Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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