You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
