Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
