The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
