dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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