Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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