She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
