Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The police scanner is talking about you again....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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