did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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