I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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