i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
