1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
