Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
