i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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