I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
