You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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