i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
