My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
