so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
