just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
