cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
