It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
