What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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