and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
