if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
