he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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