I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
