Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
