Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
