Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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