I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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